Using Resistance as a Change Enabler

Resistance used to frighten me. Now I embrace it.

My heart skipped a beat. My jaw clenched. I could feel my pulse in my neck.

I heard a small voice inside me telling me to keep calm. But it was not strong enough. I saw all my effort, all the passion I had put into this change, seeping through my fingers like sand.

All this trouble centers on one individual, one person who can’t get on board. This naysayer who keeps telling me I don’t understand, telling me I need to do my homework. Telling me I can’t come around in the eleventh hour and turn everything upside down. Telling me to learn my place. I am an outsider.

I feel defeated. My efforts to bring meaningful change appear wasted. I fear I have failed. Why can’t this person get on board? I was furious.

This is how I used to react to resistance.

It all changed when a colleague told me a profound truth. He said you know you are making a difference when you start getting opposition. The only way you know you are changing the status quo is when defenders of the status quo start to fight back. This is when you know you are on to something.

Changing my mindset to see resistance as a sign I was doing something right made all the difference. If everything is going smoothly, I am making no impact. Smooth sailing means either my efforts are not working or are being ignored. I know I am on the correct path when I hear a rumble.

As an Agile coach, this has shifted my approach to change, improved my well-being, and strengthened my will-power.

Resistance Is Critical to Change

When I heard this advice from my colleague, I recalled the relevance to the Satir Change Model¹. Virginia Satir is a family therapist. She developed a model to help people deal with unexpected change.

We can use the concept of this model to navigate change of any type. Figure A shows the change curve from the Satir Change Model.

Figure A - Satir Change Model — Figure A – Satir Change Model

Every foreign element that threatens the current status quo will result in resistance. And it will cause disruption and a period of chaos. When we detect a foreign element, we form resistance, releasing it like antibodies to a disease.

Change creates resistance, which leads to discomfort and chaos. It is natural. The key is to get through the chaos to the transforming idea.

Get Curious. And Not Furious.

Getting to a transforming idea takes us out of the chaos period. But how do you go about this?

This is where curiosity plays a critical role. Getting furious at the resistance or the person resisting is not the answer. It only leads you deeper into chaos. And you may not make it out.

So how do you get curious? And how do you get to a transforming idea?

My experiences trying to get curious are always interesting. I am not always successful. But most of the time it works wonders to have a genuine interest and to partner on a solution. This removes the resistance as you find a way to work together. The resisting party feels like they are part of the change versus the change happening to them.

There are five typical stages of this strategy.

Let’s walk through them.

Stage 1: Take a Breath

Think about what happens when you feel your fight or flight mode kick in. How does it feel? What reactions make you want to fight back? What causes you to want to run away and hide? These are your cues to pause before you act.

Learn to harness these feelings and use them to fuel your calm response. Take a breath. When you feel you have your bearings, move to step 2.

If you don’t feel you have enough time to reflect, don’t respond in haste. If you respond before you are ready, you will be defensive or you might try to attack.

Instead of reacting in a harsh way, ask for permission to have time to think about it. How long you need depends on you. You might need 30 seconds. But some people need 10 minutes or a day. Take the time you need to collect your thoughts and prepare for step 2.

Stage 2: Bring on the Curiosity

This step is crucial. It is imperative that you put yourself in the shoes of the person resisting the change.

What is the person going through? What is her situation? What is his goal? Why is she resisting? Ask plenty of questions to understand the other person’s context.

Then, you must…listen. Fight back the urge to state your perspective. Repeat what you hear in your own words to ensure you understand.

Only by showing genuine curiosity can you understand the situation you are in. This will also tone down your own reaction. You will be able to use reason with less emotion involved. This is natural when you look at the situation from the other person’s lens.

Stage 3: State Your Concerns

While listening to the other person’s needs is important, you must also state your own concerns. Without your own needs on the table, the other person may not fully realize your position.

The other person will find it easier to empathize with you since you understood his or her own needs first.

Now that each person’s concerns are on the table, two-way empathy is in play. This sets you up to enter stage 4.

Stage 4: Agree on the Objective

I have often found that the objectives are aligned when resistance occurs. It is the means of getting there that are at odds.

Ask the resisting party to state their objective. And then state yours. Discuss any differences and find your common goal.

Write your common goal or challenge down. Discuss how you will know you have achieved it. Determine what you will measure.

By finding common ground on the goal, it will set you up well for the final step.

Stage 5: Co-Create Experiments and Iterate to the Goal

At this point, all are calm, empathy is strong, and the goal is aligned. Now, it is time to work together and experiment toward the goal.

Start by brainstorming options. You will find the options from you and the other person now consider the context each of you has gained. This will help usher in ideas for change that are more palatable to both of you.

You may still encounter an impasse between two options. The antidote to this is the small experiment. Consider trying both options in a small experiment and assessing the results together. You both may learn something. A new option may reveal itself based on the insights gained.

This iterative, experimental process will continue until you discover the transforming idea. This will propel you to your common goal and a new status quo.

Resistance is your friend, not your enemy when it comes to change.

If you learn to harness your emotions to fuel your curiosity and empathy, you will find better solutions emerge that satisfy all involved. Bring those impacted by the change with you on the journey. Successful change depends on it.

References

The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond, Satir, Virginia, et. al., Science and Behavior Books, 1991

Coach Lankford

Todd Lankford unlocks Lean Leverage in organizations to cultivate powerful, engaged product teams who maximize outcomes and impact.

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